Subterranean (About to Get Reviewed) Homesick Blues

bob dylan

I'm not Dylan, and they're not Ginsberg & Neuwirth

Now that Lockwood’s Chicago Sun Times Review is out and I’m not making an imbecile out of myself for drawing attention to it, this schizophrenic bastardization of a brilliant Bob Dylan song can go to press.


A critic was in. We didn’t see him. How many times did he come in? Did he come in for lunch? Does he get what we’re about? What are we about? Did he order this? Did he order that? I put too much care into this place. Why do I give a shit? I give a shit. I should spend more time here. But I hardly see my family. Did we put too much salt into that? Did he order this before we changed that? Were we busy? Was the room too loud?  Were we slow? Was the room a morgue? Was the bread warm? Was the butter soft? What if he wanted 11 dollar bills and we only had 10.

I hope it’s not less than 3 stars. Could it be 4 stars? Won’t be 4 stars. But it better not be 2 stars. Could he be on the cusp in between the stars? Please choose the higher star. I hope I was here when he came in. Did I go to his table? I hope the food was seasoned. I hope the plates were clean. I hope the food was cooked right. I hope I get a raise. I hope I don’t get fired. I hope my girls get college educations. I wish I had a flux capacitor. You don’t need a weather man to know which way the wind blows.

They’re coming in for a photo shoot. This is the list of the dishes they want photos of? He ate the BLT? That was supposed to be for fun! The review can’t be bad since they’re shooting me. Oh, really? He always photographs the chef. How is it we didn’t we recognize him? How much is the restaurant dependant on this? What will my family think? Will they disown me? What will my friends think? Will they still be my friends? What will my colleagues think? Will I hold my head high? Or will I be a laughing stock? What will my cooks think? Will they walk off the line? Or will we have a Champagne toast? I’ll tell them not to follow leaders and watch the parking meters.

Does he read my blog? Did he see what I wrote about critics? Can I review his review too? I would lose credibility if I do. I can’t. Swallow the bitter pill. When is the review coming out? When is the Earth going to rise? When is the sky going to fall? Why did my parking privileges get revoked? Where did my pen go? I want my Mommy! Will I get sleep before I see the review? Do I ever get sleep? What if I pull a Bernard Loiseau? I won’t pull a Bernard Loiseau. Everything’ll be fine. For better or worse. It’s only a review.  I stand behind what I do. It’s only a review. Nothing is holy! And the pumps don’t work ’cause the vandals took the handles.

7 Responses to “Subterranean (About to Get Reviewed) Homesick Blues”

  1. Bella says:

    Poor guy! Hahaha!

  2. Anna says:

    This is amazing. I adore this blog. I think of food and dining differently because of people like you. congrats on the very good review. Gah, i love chicago.

  3. don’t sweat how could any critic not like anything made by a Pickled Tongue LOL…just had to let you know that I made this for our Rosh Hashonah dinner – but it was a beef tongue…

  4. btw I see you have a wordpress. org in Chef’s Office…well I hate hate hate and hate wordpress (and I use it) …

  5. Kenny says:

    nice job, Chef! Congratulations.

  6. chadzilla says:

    f*cking brilliant, man.

  7. merits says:

    THANKS! You guys do a great blog, and have some great contests. Keep up the good work.

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